Forever Damned, Forever Nowhere
by Magenta1
Summary: In Normal Again, Buffy chooses between the world where she is the slayer and the world where she has her mother. Suppose she let the demon kill her friends and went with her mother. Would she finally be happy? Not when your destiny is to forever suffer!
1. Default Chapter

This poem takes place after the last episode, Normal Again. This is an inner monologue of Buffy as she's about to leave the dimension where she's in the mental hospital. It will take place in different places, from the mental hospital with her mother to the basement with her friends to Hell (literally). Please read the explanation of my poem after you complete it, otherwise you will not completely understand it.  
  
  
  
I hide through a disguise  
  
But look into my eyes  
  
And you'll find it no surprise  
  
That I'm not there.  
  
  
  
You'll glance at me so fast,  
  
You won't truly see the role I've been cast,  
  
But it's not the me you know from the past,  
  
For I'm not there.  
  
  
  
I hear you say that my fantasy isn't real,  
  
You tell me that I'm strong and need to deal,  
  
But all I really want it to feel,  
  
So I'm not there.  
  
  
  
Instead I'm in a world I hate,  
  
And sad as that sounds, that is my fate,  
  
Don't try to help me, it's way too late,  
  
Since I'm not there.  
  
  
  
So now I can hear them calling,  
  
They think the demon should be falling,  
  
But instead they are the ones crawling,  
  
So why are they glad I'm no longer there?  
  
  
  
Where do You think I should go?  
  
I really do not know,  
  
All I see is the darkness from bellow,  
  
Was I better off there?  
  
  
  
And then He comes to me,  
  
I wish He would let me be,  
  
But only through Him can I truly see,  
  
I'm not there!  
  
  
  
Why must I forever be in pain?  
  
Am I the one to blame?  
  
All now I do is hold my head in shame,  
  
Would I be better off there?  
  
  
  
He says that I belong with Him in the shadows,  
  
I never say yes, since I'm so shallow,  
  
I must be left alone in my misery to wallow,  
  
Maybe I should be there...  
  
  
  
You say that you want me to get better,  
  
Just to lay in your loving arms and cozy sweater,  
  
Your arms softer than the lightest feathers,  
  
Can I come there?  
  
  
  
I now see that your world is of the light,  
  
No longer will I have to fight,  
  
Well take a deep breath and hold on tight,  
  
I'm coming there!  
  
  
  
"Bye my friends, I hope you understand,  
  
I now leave for the promised land,  
  
For I now realize that G-d has given me a helping hand,  
  
And I'm once again there."  
  
  
  
"Mommy, I told my friends I belong with you,  
  
So you no longer have to be sad and blue.  
  
There's absolutely nothing else I'd rather do,  
  
I'm so glad we're both here!"  
  
  
  
"Wait, who's making you disappear?  
  
No, don't go, I want you to stay here!  
  
Oh no, she's gone, my worst fear,  
  
Misery awaits me everywhere!"  
  
  
  
All alone once more,  
  
I feel myself collapsing through the floor,  
  
Again I open the dead door,  
  
And once more, I'm taken away from here.  
  
  
  
If I can't have what is good and pure,  
  
He may be my only cure,  
  
To be able to feel once more,  
  
So I can be somewhere!  
  
  
  
I am willing to take the chance,  
  
Of making the pain and suffering further enhance,  
  
If only simply to forever dance,  
  
He's my only here.  
  
  
  
I've decided to live an eternity with Him in darkness,  
  
Forever lost in his world of evil and blindness,  
  
All I ask of you is to help me return his kindness and give me your forgiveness.  
  
  
  
Don't look for me here, don't look for me there.  
  
I'm forever damned, I'm forever nowhere. 


	2. The explanation of the poem

THE EXPLANATION:  
  
Her mother represents heaven.  
Spike is the Devil.  
(When I say He and Him, I am referring to The Devil)  
The mental institution is really heaven welcoming her back.  
But Buffy doesn't believe her mom when she tells her that Buffy belongs there; she doesn't believe she can ever be happy, so she leaves.  
She comes back to the house and sees the demon killing her friends. She does nothing to save them, and wonders why they aren't angry at her for not saving them.  
She decides the reason they aren't angry at her is because they are not real, that it is her destiny for her to be in heaven with her mother, and that they were no longer going to keep her trapped on Earth, in Sunnydale.  
She accepts her mother's offer and goes to join her in "heaven," thinking G-d has given her a second chance at happiness.  
For a few minutes, she experiences happiness and peace.  
However, it has been all a cruel joke. Her mother disappears, leaving Buffy alone and miserable once more. She then finds herself falling, until she is in Spike's crypt. (Really the devil's lair).  
Although I do not mention it in the poem, it turns out that no one is ever allowed to leave heaven. Since Buffy broke this rule, she is never allowed back. When she dies, she will go to Hell for an eternity of torment.   
The Devil (Spike) is offering for her to go with Him there now, to be his eternal queen, to dance with Him forever. This time she accepts, for the greatest hell for her is not feeling anything. All she wants to do is to feel, and He is the only way for this to happen.   
She goes to Hell with him  
At the end of the poem, she asks G-d for forgiveness. She also asks G-d not to watch her, not to think of her; she is forever lost, she is forever to suffer.  



End file.
